Advice Columnist Practice Letter

I’ve often thought it would be fun to become an advice columnist, though I have to admit that it would also be a responsibility. What if someone took my advice and something terrible happened?

Then again, maybe my readers can give great advice, too!

So I thought I’d do a practice test. I’ve written a letter based on comments I’ve seen on some health websites, in which people advocating for quack remedies try to convince scientists and doctors that they are all wrong. Some of these folks believe having an enema will solve most health problems.

Dear Helpful Adviser,

I need help convincing people online that they should agree with me. I have tried absolutely everything I can think of to get them to listen to my position, including calling them morons, explaining why they are stupid in great detail. I have employed animal imagery, comparing them to snakes, weasels and pigs at a trough.

I have used tenuous connections to show they are part of a vast global conspiracy of very evil people who want to suppress The Truth. I’ve even told them that clearly they hate their children, other people’s children, old people and puppies, and noted that they are drinking the koolaid, even though the culprit at Jonestown was actually cyanide (and other stuff) in Flavor Aid, not koolaid. I have told them they are sinners and murderers.

I have even compared them to Hitler and the Nazis, multiple times, yet they still don’t agree with me. I can’t understand it! Why can’t I convince people I’m right?


And here would be my practice answer to these folks, who again, believe enemas and happy thoughts can cure everything. What do you think, should I try an advice column?

Dear Confused,

I can’t imagine why not.