Dungeons, Dragons And Charlie Sheen

As many of you already know, I’m a big geek, and I like to play role-playing games, including Dungeons and Dragons.

In these games, you play a hero who destroys evil by hitting it repeatedly with a big stick, a sharp object or spells. Sometimes, however, your hero meets an untimely end and perishes when the evil is too big or the stick, object or spell is not big enough.

Last night, I told my friends I have already decided what I’m going to do when my next character dies:

Me: If I die in any of our games, I am going to make a Vatican assassin warlock.
Friend: … You’re playing Zork?
Friend: … Ooh, Assassin Warlock.
Me: No, I’m playing Charlie Sheen. Watch out for my fire-breathing fists.

The great thing is, this is actually possible in D&D. Assassins have to be evil, and warlocks have to be either evil or chaotic, so it’s a great class combo as long as you don’t mind, say, threatening to cut off your wife’s head and send it to her mom, causing people’s faces to melt off or loving people violently.

A Sheen character would be awesome. When I get some spare time this week, I’m gonna try to get the numbers for this figured out, but here are some class features:

  • Character cannot die: “Dying’s for fools, dying’s for amateurs.”
  • Character has “fire-breathing fists.”
  • Character is part rakshasa, or some other cat-human hybrid: “I got tiger blood, man.”
  • +2 to Constitution stat, but probably a -2 to Wisdom: “I have a different constitution, I have a different brain, I have a different heart.”
  • Character can cast spells: “I’m sorry, man, but I’ve got magic. I’ve got poetry in my fingertips.”
  • Character can apparently fly: “And I will destroy you in the air. I will deploy my ordinance to the ground.”
  • And for flavor text: “We work for the Pope, we murder people. We’re Vatican assassins. How complicated can it be? What they’re not ready for is guys like you and I and Nails and all the other gnarly gnarlingtons in my life, that we are high priests, Vatican assassin warlocks. Boom.”

For more ideas: Try here. Or here. Or there. Or… nearly anywhere, really.

Will this character be overpowered, or will the insanity drawback balance it all out? Any ideas for more class features or flavor text?

2 Responses

  1. Diane Truckenmiller

    Don’t play D&D, but have been thinking Charlie would be a good replacement for that old public service announcement: “This is your brain; this is your brain on drugs.”

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