Horrible Bug Infestation Terrifies Wimpy Reporter

Last night I was watching an old episode of the X-Files when I noticed a real-life monster not five feet away from me.

It was a big, huge bug about the size of a small aeroplane, just sitting at the end of my bed, where my pillow usually rests. For once, I didn’t scream, even though I am afraid of bugs. I think I said something like "Argh!" and got up to grab poison, a book, a shoe, a small child, anything that could be used to slay the beast, but by the time I found my trusty can of Raid, the bug was gone.

Wily monster.

I sat back down and bided my time, with my bug-slaying spray (not unlike Clytemnestra’s "man-slaying axe") in my hands. Sure enough, the bug came out again, and I sprayed it to death, sending out a cloud of toxic fumes which will no doubt be the ultimate cause of my death in 20 years. Oh well.

The bug, I think, was probably an earwig, a scary but actually rather harmless critter that was probably just searching for food. I’d feel bad for killing it, but I’m so creeped out by the idea of it crawling on my actual skin I can’t, quite. If I’d seen it outside my house, I’d have just quietly avoided it. My philosophy is that bugs who stay outdoors get to live, unless of course they land on me, in which case all bets are off.

Later, though, I found something worse. Ants! There were four ants on my bedroom floor, quietly enjoying the remnants of sweetness left over from a chocolate bar I’d eaten the day before. Normally this wouldn’t matter much, but as everyone knows, where there’s four ants there’s likely to be a whole lot more than four hiding somewhere else.

Today I went and bought some ant-bait, and I’m really hoping it takes care of the buggy problem. The only worry is that the hatches in the little ant death house are definitely not large enough for an earwig.

Is there such a thing as earwig spray?

4 Responses

  1. Howard

    You really should do something about getting rid of the earwigs in your home. The reason they are called earwigs is because at night they burrow into people’s ear canals ala Star Trek” The Wrath of Kahn.

  2. shiny

    Nah, that’s an urban myth. They’re actually kinda harmless.

    They’re just, you know, CREEPY AS ALL GET OUT.

    Also, because I can:


  3. Howard

    I didn’t realize it was an urban myth. I just posted it to try and freak you out more than you were already.

  4. Kari

    That’d be tough. I was about ready to run out of the room when I saw the first one practically *where my head would be*.


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