Chicks Dig Dead Guys

For you tweenieboppers out there who think Edward Cullen is dreamy, you are not the first chicks to dig dead guys, because way back in 1967, gothy, toothy and possibly toothsome Barnabas Collins thrilled the campy airwaves in the hilariously cheesy supernatural-themed soap opera "Dark Shadows."

Unlike Edward, who is all bark and no bite, however, Barnabas occasionally actually did what vampires normally do: bite people, drain their blood and kill them. Of course, because Dark Shadows was a soap opera, he also seems to have been very preoccupied with creating a vampire bride, also like Edward.

I mention this because this weekend I borrowed "Dark Shadows" from the library and actually watched a few gloriously silly episodes.

"Dark Shadows" uses more theremin than any modern show I know. In fact, pretty much every scene is accompanied by spooky "WEEEOOOOOOOWEEEEEOOOOO" sounds, even when people are just standing around chatting or having a cup of tea or looking at a portrait on the wall or tying their shoes. It sort of dulls the effect after a while, and you wonder why a simple discussion about, say, some guy who mysteriously disappeared really needs to be that ominous. And yet every time a commercial is about to air, "Dark Shadows" ups the ominosity quotient with some nice dramatic music.

The Dramatic Chipmunk would fit right in, especially if we gave him a little cape and fangs.

Edward, however, can bite me, or rather, not bite me. Barnabas has ten times the personality, even if he does wear more jewelry than I do and wander around accompanied by the world’s silliest music.