Quite a few people have given me some fairly dubious advice that can loosely be called "dating advice" over the years and I would like to share some of it with you.

Now normally, I avoid talking about my personal life here, unless it’s weird, funny, or weird and funny. So I will strip these of all context and omit the names to protect the guilty. You know who you are.

"Just be yourself."

This is perpetrated by every public school I’ve ever been to, and unfortunately, it is only true for the handful of people who 1. are gorgeous and 2. have no bad habits, such as scraping one’s teeth on one’s fork, talking at the theater, or breathing.

Usefulness: 0 out of 5 hearts. Who the heck else would you be? Angelina Jolie already exists anyway.

Hilarity: 0 out of 5 hearts.

"Use your feminine wiles."

This only works if you have, in fact, wiles. I was behind the door when the wiles were handed out. In fact, I’m not even sure I was behind the door in the right building where the wiles were handed out.

Usefulness: 2 out of 5 hearts. This may work for women who have, in fact, got wiles.

Hilarity: 5 out of 5 hearts. I giggled for days over this.

"Oh, just seduce someone."

 Are you talking to me? Are you talking to me? You want me to do what?

Usefulness: 1 out of 5 hearts. This may work for someone who isn’t me.

Hilarity: 4 out of 5 hearts.

So now I have to ask: What’s the funniest or least useful dating advice you’ve ever been given?